I clearly don't blog much anymore. I try not to speak much anymore either. Whenever I open my mouth either stupid things fall out or a barrage of criticism ensues that really doesn't help. I get enough criticism from my own head that I don't need to go seeking it out.
Sometimes though I need to talk and I hope that when I do it is beneficial and not detrimental. I've kept a lot of things to myself, a lot of thoughts, worries, fears, doubts and a lot of good things too. I try to talk to people but I feel so alone, inadequate, pathetic, that I can never look people in the eyes--which when I combine that with our story I think everyone believes I'm lying. I feel like most people (not all) are really disinterested with us and have enough to worry about on their own. So, why bother them?
I've been hoping for a long time that I could prove that the decisions Richard and I have made are justified and that the Lord really has been on our side. Someday that will come but until then, maybe it is even more important of a time to share that I do know that my Savior lives and died for me and that He loves me. I know my Heavenly Father loves me too. I don't understand why I've had to be in the darkness for so long. I don't know why I ask and plead and pray for comfort, peace, and hope and I can hardly ever find any. Why I try to do good and keep commandments even when I get burned every time I do. His reasoning are His and I am exercising my faith to keep going every day, even if that means I'm not moving forward but just staying still.
If I look hard enough I can now see occasional specks of light floating in and I have hope there is a dawn. Everyone keeps telling me that something worse is going to happen. I would hope that you would stop telling people that. That is not the way to look at life. I cannot go back to that pit of despair. I cannot survive another day there. Do not resign me to what you don't know. You don't know where I have been. You don't know the pains we don't tell. There has been more going on than anyone knows. You think you have seen me look unhappy or grumpy but you have no idea the face I am putting on to cover the horrors in my soul.
I never want to remember but I hope I never forget what I've felt so I can be better at putting myself in others shoes. Its hard to step away from yourself and not criticize, judge, condemn. I'm so far from perfect but I have hope that even though my ways are unconventional that people will see that I really do try to do what is right and show love to others--even though I clearly suck at it.
So if you ever find yourself in that pit, you know that I've been there and I'm more than happy to lend a listening ear or a hand to help you out.
