On a personal note

I clearly don't blog much anymore. I try not to speak much anymore either. Whenever I open my mouth either stupid things fall out or a barrage of criticism ensues that really doesn't help. I get enough criticism from my own head that I don't need to go seeking it out.
Sometimes though I need to talk and I hope that when I do it is beneficial and not detrimental. I've kept a lot of things to myself, a lot of thoughts, worries, fears, doubts and a lot of good things too. I try to talk to people but I feel so alone, inadequate, pathetic, that I can never look people in the eyes--which when I combine that with our story I think everyone believes I'm lying. I feel like most people (not all) are really disinterested with us and have enough to worry about on their own. So, why bother them?
 I've been hoping for a long time that I could prove that the decisions Richard and I have made are justified and that the Lord really has been on our side. Someday that will come but until then, maybe it is even more important of a time to share that I do know that my Savior lives and died for me and that He loves me. I know my Heavenly Father loves me too. I don't understand why I've had to be in the darkness for so long. I don't know why I ask and plead and pray for comfort, peace, and hope and I can hardly ever find any. Why I try to do good and keep commandments even when I get burned every time I do. His reasoning are His and I am exercising my faith to keep going every day, even if that means I'm not moving forward but just staying still.
If I look hard enough I can now see occasional specks of light floating in and I have hope there is a dawn. Everyone keeps telling me that something worse is going to happen. I would hope that you would stop telling people that. That is not the way to look at life. I cannot go back to that pit of despair. I cannot survive another day there. Do not resign me to what you don't know. You don't know where I have been. You don't know the pains we don't tell. There has been more going on than anyone knows. You think you have seen me look unhappy or grumpy but you have no idea the face I am putting on to cover the horrors in my soul.
I never want to remember but I hope I never forget what I've felt so I can be better at putting myself in others shoes. Its hard to step away from yourself and not criticize, judge, condemn. I'm so far from perfect but I have hope that even though my ways are unconventional that people will see that I really do try to do what is right and show love to others--even though I clearly suck at it.
So if you ever find yourself in that pit, you know that I've been there and I'm more than happy to lend a listening ear or a hand to help you out. 

I know its dumb but I have kept a secret for 5 years. I have very severe depression. I used to think it was just some made up excuse for being a negative, ornery cuss but I have learned it is something very, very real. It S.U.C.K.S. The term I “suffer from depression” doesn’t even do justice. It has pretty much been the worst thing that has happened to me because I can’t enjoy any of the many amazing things around me when I'm having an episode. I've kept is a secret because I've felt that people haven’t cared about the other things that have been happening to us so why would they care about this? I’m telling people now for my own sake so I can let go of my secret and maybe have a little peace from that.

Going Private

Going private in 2 weeks or less. I do as I please. Email me at modishpodish @ gmail dot com with your email address if you want to still follow us.

I'm tired

I'm tired. The last few years are just wearing on me . We attempted a camping trip....Sophie freaked out and we came home the first night at 3 a.m. Unfortunately we had to pay in advance for the spot and we rented an rv and so our one chance for a vacation this year was a total bust.

I'm tired of working. The money we had to put down on that other house has quickly disappeared to stay afloat so I'm constantly feeling pressure to work and since its a stay at home thing the hours are endless, constant, never ending. Its rewarding in many ways but it also feels like a curse at times and after all the fees come out I'm not sure if it is worth it at all.

I'm tired of being sick. Sophie keeps getting sick from kids (not my own) coming up and touching her face and hands and 2 days later she's sick and 2 days later I have it. Its really annoying. How do I say anything without being mean?

I'm tired of pretending all is well. My bouts of depression throughout all this have been so bad but where do I turn? I feel so alone here.

Oh well....such is life. 

I NEED a support group....

for more reasons than one but today's support need is to help support me and my Marriage/Family/Everything Else blog.
I see some people who try something new and they are ridiculously successful because they have a huge support team rallying behind them. I've always wanted this. Maybe they have to beg and plead to get it? I don't know. I guess that is what I have to do. Thanks to Rebecca - the one person who follows me that I actually know,
If you would be so kind, please come follow my new blog or spread the word about my blog. Yes, I do inadvertently make some money from my Prettiful Designs blog but I've started writing articles about Marriage and Family helps and I'd really love to spread the word. I think some things I'm doing on there could really help a lot of people and I'd really like to help others in these areas!
My blogs address is http://www.prettifuldesigns.blogspot.com and I even have lots of giveaways which I'd love for some people I actually know to win too.
I hope you'll come see my other blog and maybe you'll find something helpful!

The "I Love My Spouse" Project

 

So I came up with an idea this morning that could be awesome if it went viral. It focuses on improving your relationship with your spouse and I think its a great defense against Satan's constant attacks on the marital unit. If you'd like to see what the heck I'm talking about, please go to http://www.prettifuldesigns.blogspot.com or click on the picture above. Participate in the "I Love My Spouse" Project and improve your relationship with your spouse! Imagine what we could do to help improve and promote marriage relationships worldwide!

Gram & Grandpa's Visit and Day Trip

Gramp & Kate

 Grandpa and Abi

 Gram & Sophie

 Finding something good Kate?

 I love this picture of Sophie and my Grandma

 Day Trip to Tracy Aviary & Liberty Park

The Sophs

 This little girl is sure growing! She no longer sputters when she cries (usually) and is rolling and eating  big girl food. I've never had a child gag from the taste of baby food but Sophie sure did with squash and beans. She LOVES, LOVES, LOVES her sister, gives slobbery wonderful kisses and can poop out the side of her diaper like nobody's business. She's almost always smiling. She's super ticklish. Daddy's sneezes freak her out and wake her out of a dead sleep. She's got a super fuzz head and her hair is still dark. She still won't take a bottle but will drink out of a cup. She just started eating puffs and of course loves them. She dislikes clothes and loves anything with hair or plush. We love our Sophie Lizers.

Pics from Richard's phone

Can you believe this was just 7 months ago? Look how little Kate looks. Look at that baby bump. Glad I'm not pregnant right now!!!!

 This one was recent:

Easters

 Easter at Grandma's house:

Randoms

Abi and Sophs

 The Girlets:

 One good reason we've had to stick around so long is I finally got to see the wisteria bloom. This walkway was my graduation present from Richard our very first summer here. Almost 7 years.

Always in Motion:

 Glued to the TV:

 Geocaching:

 Fun at the park:

 Cutie in Pigtails:

 Icee--the official Tregaskis Family Drink

 Pretty Abi:

 Enjoying the Treehouse

 The Girls:

Kate scored this pony at a yardsale yesterday:

 Kate Serenading Sophs

 Sillies